I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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