So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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