I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
