I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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