He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
