Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
