There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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