there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
