my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
