I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
