he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.