A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
