I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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