two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick