My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?