I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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