I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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