the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"