I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.