Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
