you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
