they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
