I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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