wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
