Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
