I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
