We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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