Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My bed smells like the plague
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
