When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
