You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
