Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
