You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
