You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
