I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
