good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
