I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
