At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
