Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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