i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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