So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS