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what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
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