ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.