im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?