I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
