So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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