She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
