Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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