remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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