He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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