I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
