At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
