True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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