That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
