I can text with my tongue
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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