Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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