i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
