my mouth tastes like poor choices
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
