Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
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Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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