i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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