I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
