the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
