You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you had me at cake vodka
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
