I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
