M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
